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The worst diet week of my life

This is for my english speaking friends - I tried my best to translate it properly ;o)

 

Monday

Morning

I make myself a healthy smoothie with oatmeal, pineapple and low fat milk Jeez – not even that bad. I’ve already the feeling that I’m really gonna loose a lot of weight soon.

Noon

Spaghetti Bolognese in the canteen, but that’s of course FOR-BI-DDEN for me. Instead my lunch consist of 120 Gr poached haddock with exactly three baby carrots. The Size-0 marketing chick on the other table puts three spoons of parmesan on top of her Pasta. I stay totally relaxed and think to myself, that she surely is just making an exception today to her regular meal plan and that I’m going to look just like her soon.

Afternoon

A colleague brings his 3-storey high birthday cream cake along. Strong-willed I refuse the piece he offers to me. I am so determined and motivated – I even scare myself to death. Marketing chick puts a piece of cake on her plate that could easily be used as a speed hump. Meanwhile I’m nibbling on a celery stalk. Yummy….celery…

Evening

Canceled Dinner & done one hour body workout. Feel like I could uproot trees. The muscles in my tummy will soon get rid of their fat cover and become hard as steel. Looking forward to stroll along the beach in a very tiny bikini, envied by other women that spot me. I can see it right before my eyes. Hehe. My empty stomach rumbles. Go on bastard. I don’t care.

 

Tuesday

Morning

I wake up with an awful muscle hangover and the ear-deafening sound of my rumbling stomach. I refrain from setting a single foot on the weighing scale. Fluid retentions etc could falsify the figures and discourage me. Well, I’m gonna stick to my plan make myself a raspberry smoothie. Actually I don’t like rasperrys, but well that’s the way the plan is. I try hard to remove all the damn pips while I brush my teeth. However,as the day progresses, I chafe my tongue on my teeth. Ouch

Noon

I drag myself to the canteen. Still limping because of my aching muscles. Todays dish: Pizza Margherita. For the other ones. I unpack my lunchbox that’s filled with 2 slices of multigrain crispbread, crumbly cottage cheese and some boring strips of vegetables. What a feast. I spot that marketing chick again, piling a mixed salad with cream dressing and a chocolate pudding beside her Pizza on the tray. I must admit, that I’m beginning to hate her a little. Inwardly I urge myself not to let me put off my stride.

Afternoon

Realizing just at the nick of time, that my ballpen is NOT a chocolate Bar. Accidently painted my tongue. May happen. Note to myself: hallucinations are a common reaction of fat cells facing their early departure. Nothing to worry about.

Evening

My keys drop down right before the doorstep . Thanks to my aching muscles I can’t bend down to pick them up. So I have to wait for my better half to arrive. Cancelling Workout today. I’m glad when I can manage to drag myself onto the sofa. Dinner consist of some salad leaves and 100 Gr of unsavoury chicken without any bread. Half an hour later I am almost on the point of nibbling the wallpaper in the living room. Nom Nom Nom. Maybe, when I close my eyes my stomach may think it should sleep too. …

 

Wednesday

Morning

Fruitsalad with low-fat curd cheese. Yay. Weight: -200 Gr. This is ridiculous. Wishing for a crusty roll with nutella, but that won’t be fullfilled. I’m absolutely rigorous to myself. Yeah.

Noon

I leave my cucumber-salad filled lunchbox in the office and put Gnocchi with spinach on my tray as if there was no tomorrow. Finally, I top this slip off with an applecrumble pie

Afternoon

Feeling like a complete failure. I bring myself to comfort with some meringue kisses someone forgot in the tea kitchen

Evening

I brace myself up and go to the Zumba class. I feel like a little podge who desperately tries to look good while dancing to fast samba music. Accomplishing that only partially. The flywheel mass around my hips brings me out of balance over and over again. Completely exhausted I stumbled out of the class and fell right into the fridge where cold Pasta, salami and a chocolate pudding were waiting for me. Well, at least I worked out before!

 

Thursday

Morning

+500 Gr. That Smoothie Shake Shit may drink whoever likes to. Not me. I put Nutella on my roll. Thick as a damn thumb.

Noon

Dry rice and a small salad cause I was so undisciplined this morning. Trying to imagine that bikini picture in my head again but all I can see looks more like flab on the beach

Afternoon

Marketing chick anounces that she’s pregnant. 6th month. She invites everyone in the office to coffee and canapés. I wish her all the best and secretly that her belly will soon look like a roadmap. But of course I know this won’t happen. 2 weeks after giving birth she will fit into Size 0 again as if nothing ever happened. Without any stretch marks – needless to mention that.

Evening

Ordering a „I-don’t-give-a-shit-anyway“ Pizza with extra cheese. Accompanied by a few glasses of red wine. Collapsing into bed with cheese on my chin and my pants unbuttoned.

 

Friday

Landlord calls and yells at me - every neighbour is upset with me because I throw my weighing scale out of the window every year at this time. Somebody could get hurt. I calmly explain that this is an old rite of my tribe just like these swedish guys with their trees and that no one is allowed to prevent me from freely practising my religion.